Discussion — Family versus friends and media as influences on children

Whether children are shaped chiefly at home or by the world beyond it is an old argument that screens and social media have sharpened. I accept that friends and popular culture leave visible marks, but I would argue that the family's influence runs deeper and lasts longer.

Those who stress outside influences point to adolescence. From about the age of twelve, a child typically spends more waking hours with classmates and screens than with parents, and the desire to fit in with friends becomes intense. Teenagers adopt the slang, clothes and musical tastes of their peer group, often in open defiance of what is preferred at home, and a singer or an online celebrity may be quoted more readily than a father. It is tempting to conclude that parents lose their grip once a child enters secondary school. Yet what changes at this age is mostly the surface: taste, vocabulary and appearance.

The family's influence is less conspicuous because it is laid down earlier. During the formative years, parents supply almost everything: a first language, habits of eating and sleeping and, above all, a sense of what is normal. A child who watches adults read, settle disagreements calmly and speak politely to a waiter absorbs those patterns long before being old enough to question them. The family also acts as a filter for every other influence, since parents choose the neighbourhood and the school and therefore determine which friends are available. Even teenage rebellion tends to be temporary; people in their thirties often find themselves handling money or raising children much as their parents did.

In the end, peers and the media decide how a young person looks and sounds, while the family decides who that person is underneath. Because character outlasts fashion, and because the home controls the channels through which other influences arrive, I regard the family as the more powerful force.